.::::.
The things I think...
Well I'm in an Child Abuse class. I'm learning about so much of what goes on in the child, the parent, the abuser, how to treat, how to legally deal with things. Oh it's amazing. The teacher is great and has such a heart for this. WOW what a blessing. You know what's so weird is that most people I know understand that I don't like kids much and I don't want to have my own by any means. But, I think God placed that dislike in me for a reason. That reason has become more apparent at least I think so. For at least a time I feel obligated/called to use this wonderful information that God is giving me to work with children. I know it's depressing to work with abused children and many times overwhelming. However, I think my disliking of kids will emotionally make me able to handle it. I believe that if I just loved kids this kind of work would ruin me. Totally kill me inside. Not saying that I like this kind of thing happening please don't misunderstand me. But, the ability to pull emotionally out of the situation enough in that I'm not naturally drawn to children gives me an advantage to helping them. I believe God gives me immense amounts of compassion for people and that I truly do care about others. Through that I can show the children love and care they need from a therapist without the overwhelming dismay of the abuse etc. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but I had that thought today and really felt a need to share it with others. So here it is.
Posted by Mary at
10:18 AM
Thursday, September 13, 2007
.::::.
So something I just noticed. People need to take breaks from other people. There has never been anyone that at one point or another that I’ve needed to be away from. This presents problems when one gets married. Rather interesting to think about. What if you need a break from your husband and family?? I know some people go on woman retreats or girls night out but my mom never did that. I am not really sure how that works. There are periods when someone you talk to all the time you simply can not talk to for a while for mental health what happens when that is your spouse? If you think about it, it's really sad to think that you wouldn't want to talk to your spouse at times but I'm more than sure it happens what do you do???
Posted by Mary at
8:50 AM
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
.::::.
So I am not sure what is going on lately but I've all the sudden had a huge desire to get married, date, something intimate with a boy. I do know that is highly impossible right now considering I know absolutely no guys here in Abilene and my other guy friends I'm not ready to date or don't want to date. I understand the basic reason for these feelings but they really do suck a whole lot. You know I just came to a realization I don't think it's specifically wanting a guy like I thought it was (though that’s how it appears) but it's the fact I don't get hugs. Touch is a vital thing as a human. People need to be touched and loved on physically. There is a saying that says you need 4 hugs a day to keep from going insane. Well maybe these random feelings of wanting a guy when it’s totally not realistic are my cry of insanity from not receiving enough hugs. Yeah I can totally see and feel that. The reason I do want a boy would be to cuddle, to touch not in a bad way but just that actual contact with another human. The more I think about it, I do believe that is the reason I like so many covers at night, the weight and warmth is something like human touch. It's totally why I don't wanna get out of bed and why I've wanted so many naps when I know I'm getting more than enough sleep. Well at least I now know the issue; I wish I knew the answer....
Posted by Mary at
7:16 PM
.::::.
I do so enjoy wearing Goth clothing. I really am more comfortable this way. I feel like I can be me though I hate to say it but the world really does affect this aspect of my life. As much as I like wearing all black cute clothing it really just is not accepted first from Christians, then in the work place, and really anywhere but specific areas. Honestly that is very sad. I wore some of my Goth clothes today simply because I wanted to have the feeling of being me here. Well no one really looked down on it (besides slightly my work but that’s a long funny story and part of the reason I love working there lol) but at the same time people weren't really accepting of it either. I was walking to my cross training class and people would turn away from me and Try not to stare, kinda of interesting how when I wear certain clothing I'm all the sudden not” normal" and it becomes awkward. Granted this is something I am very used to when I wear these clothes but it just hit funny when I was walking. In all honesty that caused a reaction that has never happened while wearing these clothes before. I actually played the part of the stereotype. I became more closed off more hating the world ish if that makes sense. It scared me a little. It was totally fine after that but it was an interesting few minutes. I very much wish I could just be this person who wears these clothes and feels just confident in that but the world really does just influence that too much to be possible. It draws too much attention, and is stereotyped to the point that it would hurt who I'm trying so hard to be for Christ. Tis a sad realization when one realizes that something simple like clothing really does effect (either helping or hurting) your witness.
Posted by Mary at
7:04 PM
Thursday, September 06, 2007
.::::.
Well I was told I needed to update.... SOooo here it is.
I find it interesting that even though I'm so much more open that I ever was before I still keep people at a distance. I have a few friends here in Abilene but I definitely don't open up to them very much. I have had times in tears and times of utter joy that they have absolutely no clue about. Part of me wonders if it's just who I am hanging out with or if it's really something I should work on. I donno a big part of me wants to know that they first of all care at all about what I'm saying and if not then why talk? I guess I want them to ask and then I'll be happy to share. I know I don't always ask but then again I don't have a need to when they just share anyway. Part of this is my shy tendency, I really have never just told people about my day, what’s going on with me and various things like that without them asking or unless I know they want to know. Is that somehow wrong, or not the way to make friends? I feel like such an outcast a lot but at the same time I'm pretty sure I'm making myself an outcast because I don't share with them.
Another thing I've found interesting is that I haven’t really met anyone in about a week at least. I don't know anyone very well but without any assistance I haven’t met anyone in a while. Without being in that school just started everyone meet people mode I'm not totally sure I know how to meet people. I know I will this weekend when I go camping with my friend but again that’s with assistance. I donno.
Posted by Mary at
10:42 AM
.::::.
Just a little something I found that I wrote on a mission trip (which I'm always amazed at what I write for mission trips I've written poetry (which I never do normally) I wrote a song (also another amazing accomplishment) and several devos.) BTW this is just like I wrote it then I would definitely change a lot now but yeah... Just a devo I did one morning and I liked it so I thought I would post it.
I once thought love was only from my Mommy and Daddy,
I once thought love was sharing toys or the play ground,
Later I thought love was when they cute guy would hold my hand,
Then love was blind "how could he cheat on me?"
Then love meant a bit more and hurt a bunch more,
Now, I know love from God is; everlasting, From Christ ever forgiving, From the Holy Spirit ever caring,
What is love to you?
From my bible dictionary Love is: wanting good to come to another person, being concerned and willing to work for another persons benefit.
All this week you are working on numerous projects, are you doing it out of love?
Some may ask well what is love. 1Cor. 13
Who or what do you say you love? Does what you say you love fit God's picture of love? God says love your enemies (Matt 5:44) your neighbor (Matt 19:19) but are you the way Corinthians asks you to? Do you take the time to know God's definition of love and then live it? If nothing else remember this... god loves you each individual, fully, completely, there is no greater love than what He gives, and that perfects the picture in 1Cor.
Well there is that. It's rather rough and steps on toes but hey Christ did that a lot, I hope it meant something.
Posted by Mary at
7:19 PM
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
.::::.
Wow I havn't used this in forever. But, then again I havn't felt like this in forever.... Why do I let people get close?? Why? They only hate me later. The sad thing it isn't even anything I did. It's because a boy likes me. I think things like this has happend before but I was too young and stupid to really care this is a little more prevelant because it's my accountability partner/ best friend. I feel betrayed simply because a boy likes me and not her. That when I'm around I'm some how alluring to guys that makes them like me and then I get in trouble because of it. I don't know how this happens. God, why? I was really just getting over my trust issue then something like this happens... God did You really mean for me not to trust people? I thought you wanted us to be transparent to the world? Doesn't that require some aspect of trust to the world? Or maybe I'm just misconstrune in my thinking that I don't need to trust people just God and that in turn will give me the trust to be transparent. That must be it. I donno why I didn't see that before. But, it does mean that I have to be open which is hard for me to do. I know God will lead me through but I'm scared. I know God is here with me now that I'm hurting that a close friend has been so distant and in my feelings of betrayal. Thank you God You are truly amazing. That is just astounding how God just worked through my problem in a way that I thought I had left behind. I'm not sure i should post this but it is the way God worked through my issue so... yeah. Anyway I am so blessed that Denis is around. I can honestly say I have someone to truly look up to. In many ways I look up to people for just some aspects of their life but in Denis I find a true role modle and a good friend. I'm so blessed that God put her in my life this semester. I wish i could stay and get closer to her. Though with recent events it seems that God has a plan for me only to know people so long before I leave and only get so close. I donno why but thats how it seems to work all the time. This would make marriage very hard, it could be that I'm meant to be single. The more and more I think about it in a Godly prayerful way thats what I am getting. I know this is going to be a HUGE struggle and a long experience but I know God is here with me.
Posted by Mary at
7:25 PM
.::::.
Well ok I'm not in the best of moods while writing this just a forewarning. I am so SICK of high school drama CRAP. People need to get a life. Look beyond your own selfish thoughts and get a grip. Life isn't about thinking badly of others it's not about who did what to who, it's not about getting into others business. It's about finding ur happiness and not caring about others trying to disrupt that. It's about living ur own life the way you want to and not the way people tell you to. It's about respecting others (no I haven't always done this but it's something people should do in my opinion) and loving with God's love. I'm doing a lot to forget high school to forget the drama to forget the pain to forget everything. Something's I do want to remember and I probably will but a lot I'm just leaving here and never thinking about again. A lot I left behind when school got out. A lot I left behind this week. Part of me wants to have no ties here besides family and maybe 2 or 3 individuals and part of me wants to have something to come home to. In reality after I leave this will no longer be my home and there is a HUGE chance that I will never want to see most of the people here or I'll be changed so much they wont' wanna see me. It's time for me to move on so I am Good Bye blogs and single livejournal that hardly anyone knew about at first. Off I go to mission in Kentucky I'll be back the 20th and work the 21st and bible school that evening. if you still wanna hang out after reading this please call I like hangin out.
Posted by Mary at
11:01 PM
